FINDING BRAVERY THROUGH TRAUMA: A Trans Journey

CAUTION: This post deals with trauma and overcoming mental health issues. If you are experiencing a crisis or require assistance in finding a health care professional in the Niagara area, please reach out to the following. COAST Niagara: 1-866-550-5205 (EXT. 1). People 16 years and older who are experiencing a mental health crisis.

To reach the Suicide Crisis Helpline Call 988 for a safe space to talk, 24 hours a day, every day of the year.

AND SUMMER WALKED IN-A PREFACE

When I was still relatively young, just out of high school, working for the federal government (no names), I often recall a deeply scarring incident that set back my transition for years. 

One early summer morning, I was at work, starting off no different than any other day. As I was actioning my queue of files (for the federal government agency that handled Revenue, hint), I was startled by a stumbling, excited coworker. His excitement was only dulled by his need to whisper. He comes into my office and tells me to rush to the front, “there’s one of them here,” he says clumsily. Without knowing the context, I followed this gauzy, middle-aged man. As “Jim” and I made our way to the front counter, we crossed the drab, second floor, there we were joined by a mushrooming medley of equally puzzled peers. As my colleagues positioned themselves to see but not be seen, and, as I am short and was late to the carousal, looking for an opportunity to get a better view of what we had all been called up for, I bypassed my frantic, clandestine coworkers. I walked right up to and past the clerks at the client service area. 

At first, I missed it. I failed to see what initially and curiously summoned us all here. Then, as I again paraded down the firing line of business windows for this government agency, there she was. This whole mysterious rally was instigated by a bunch of bored agency workers over the mere presence of a trans woman. For those who haven’t yet had the pleasure of meeting me, to place this story in a linear and quantifiable historical context, I am ancient. This story was forever ago, taking place in conservative country; Niagara.

As this woman and her partner came in and were cared for by our clerks, who typically handle payments and tax filings, the number of curious and creepy coworkers multiplied. Bored, confused, and saddened, I returned to my office. Not long after, I could feel an appreciable rumble reverberating through the raised floor as people hurried over to the windows as the woman left the building. With some snickering, others dropping foul comments, and many faces pressed against the emerald-tinted glass, my ghoulish coworkers were hoping to prolong this unusual encounter; this outlier, At that moment, I experienced some sort of epiphany; a revealing look into how others would see me, should I ever socially transition.

DEFINITION OF SOCIAL TRANSITION: this refers to the process by which an individual changes their outward presentation, behaviours, and social roles to align more closely with their gender identity. This often involves changes in aspects like: one’s name, pronouns and appearance. This differs from other types of transition (which include legal and medical).

AT TRAILS END-OWNING MY TRAUMA AND FINDING ELUSIVE BRAVERY

Having worked for this agency for nearly a year by this point and deeply respecting these older colleagues, mentors, and friends, I knew that my life, should I transition, would always be accompanied by laughs, taunts, or other forms of micro or macro aggressions. My life would never exist with the peace and privilege of blissful mediocrity promised to most other cis-gendered individuals. I would have anxiety-fuelled waking nightmares about walking into a clothing store and being called out or gawked at. I would never have the concord pledged to women engaged in everyday things. I would always be on the outside looking in, or, continuing the rhetorical device from my experience at work, I would forever be on the outside; the unsolicited centre of inauspicious attention. 

DEFINITION OF MICRO AGGRESSION: this is a subtle, often unintentional, action or statement that reflects a bias or prejudice toward a marginalized group. These can take the form of comments, behaviours, or environmental cues that may seem harmless or trivial to some but can be offensive or hurtful to others, particularly those who belong to groups that are socially or historically disadvantaged.

This incident, along with the years of trauma that came before from family, fair-weather friends, and myths created or reinforced by pop culture, postponed my transition for ages. Even after deciding to abrogate that fear, I am sure this sadness and uncertainty remained; continuing to dog me in my everlasting search for tranquillity. 

It’s strange how the slightest paths converging, literally for seconds, can leave a lasting mark on who we are, what we do, how we might see ourselves, or how we envision others seeing us. I never met this brave, beautiful woman and never learned her name, why she was there that day, or where she got that amazing dress, but her audacious existence and the obnoxious reaction to her bravery in living her best life set me down a bleak, laboured path. I do not want people to take the wrong message from this; I do not blame this woman. No indictment intended. Quite the contrary. She was a fierce woman with the bravery that would later serve to inspire me. To take my trauma and make it work for me, I borrowed from her strength in the face of bigotry and galvanized it. It became a shield (against those coworkers stacked up behind a corner wall). I let that detrimental and unrelenting anxiety and potential torment break against my new-found granite resolve. 

A lot has changed in the years since I worked for this agency and since I found my fierceness and leaned into my unassailable femininity, but the outcomes for trans women are still abysmal. Every day, queer and trans women struggle with barriers to healthcare, employment, banking, housing, depression and suicide.

SOME COMMON ISSUES FACED BY TRANSGENDER INDIVIDUALS: The transgender community faces a range of challenges, many of which are rooted in societal bias, misunderstanding, and systemic discrimination. While progress has been made in terms of visibility and legal recognition, these issues continue to have a significant impact on the well-being and safety of transgender individuals, and much work remains to be done to ensure equality and justice for the community. Some of the most common and harmful issues facing trans individuals include; Social Stigma, Violence and Harassment, Cost of Transition-Related Care, Legal Protections, Family Rejection and Social Isolation, Barriers to Participation in Public Life, and Police Violence and Discrimination.

For years, in equal measure, I have dedicated most of my free time to trying to both unmask and dismantle those barriers. Even with modest successes, it isn’t enough, and I never think my work is done. 

True equity, accessibility, and the dismantling of systemic barriers to better health and financial outcomes will only be possible when the trans and queer communities have meaningful representation in municipal government. In Niagara, entrenched and institutionalized transphobia—evident in organizations like the Niagara Region and NRPS—continues to harm countless lives.

I don’t have an ending to this story; my life continues to unfold as it will, and my struggle to bring true equity and justice to my queer and trans family, as well as the greater community, will persist—even in the face of growing darkness. I still wonder what became of that inspirational woman who dared to embrace her own happiness. Wherever she is, thank you.

If your interested in learning more about the struggle and history of the queer community, a book that I recommend is: “Queer: A Graphic History” written by: Meg-John Barker Ph.D. (I have provided a link to the book on Amazon. This is an affiliate link.)

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• JUSTICE ENDS WHERE POLICING BEGINS: The Shameful History of Policing The Gay and Trans Community in Canada
• RAISED BY PLACES UNSEEN: The Quiet Way Borneo Found Me
• ALONE AGAINST THE SYSTEM: Fighting Police Misconduct in Ontario Means Surviving It
• PART 3 – NO PERMISSION NEEDED: What Was Once Shame Has Become Pride