[Verse 1]
She’s five-foot-nothin’ in boots too tall
Struts like she’s queen of the shopping mall
Got a badge and a scowl and a taser too
But she’s more lost than a tourist in Timbuktu
Wrote a ticket to a mailbox yesterday
Tried to cuff a mime for walkin’ away
Her sunglasses cost more than her brain
And she still smells like cheap rosé and shame
[Pre-Chorus]
She says, “Step back, citizen, I’m the law!”
Trips on her own baton — we saw
She used to pour beers with a wink and a smile
Now she’s flashing her lights just to drive in style
[Chorus]
Smarmy Barbie, Barbie with a badge
Givin’ attitude in her fashion clash
Tells the chief, “I’ve got this, babe,”
Then arrests a mannequin at the arcade
She’s patronizin’, poorly trained
Still thinks Miranda’s a girl’s name
Oh, Smarmy Barbie — steakhouse queen
Now she’s playin’ cop in a drama scene
[Verse 2]
Takes five selfies at every crime
Flirts with crooks, then loses time
Called for backup ‘cause a dog barked twice
Then spilled her latte on her own device
Still wears heels on the night patrol
Says she’s “cleanin’ up this seedy hole”
But she can’t spell “narcotics” right
And she’s writing her reports in pink gel light
[Pre-Chorus]
Radio blaring Britney Spears
Pulled over her own mom last year
Got a citation for harassing a mime
And tried to ticket a clock for “doing time”
[Chorus]
Smarmy Barbie, Barbie with a badge
Tells civilians, “I’m kind of a catch.”
Uses handcuffs more like jewelry
And missed the class on “basic duty”
She’s unprofessional, kinda nuts
Still asks where the keg gets hooked up
Oh, Smarmy Barbie — steakhouse fame
Now she’s writing tickets misspelling your name
[Bridge]
She dreams of tips and sizzling steaks
Not paperwork and high-speed chases
Wants to swap that vest and belt
For a tray of overpriced Wagyu melts
[Breakdown – Spoken]
“Uhh, dispatch? I think I just arrested a fire hydrant… again.”
“Also, can someone remind me where I parked the cruiser?”
[Final Chorus]
Smarmy Barbie, bless her soul
Wears the badge like it’s a fashion role
Serving sass instead of peace
And still signs every ticket with a heart and “please”
She’s a ditz, a rookie wreck
Misses her tips and her steakhouse check
Oh, Smarmy Barbie — out on the beat
But she’d rather be serving drinks with meat
[Outro]
Smarmy Barbie, lawless star
The sassiest mess behind the wheel of a car
She’s a steakhouse legend turned patrol queen
Living a cop show — on a clueless screen.
Dedicated to Niagara’s least favourite, most transphobic cop, Ashley Del Duca.
JUSTICE ENDS WHERE POLICING BEGINS: The Shameful History of Policing The Gay and Trans Community in Canada
Policing reform is routinely framed as a matter of training, oversight, or inclusive language. None of this resolves the central contradiction exposed by decades of violence against trans people: policing is a system built on discretion, not equality. It decides who belongs, who is suspect, and whose suffering is credible.
PART 3 – NO PERMISSION NEEDED: What Was Once Shame Has Become Pride
What began as innocent play, the joy of dressing up and pretending, soon curdled into confusion and punishment. My parents’ gentle corrections hardened into anger, their voices faltering with something more akin to unrelenting impatience. My pleas — small, wordless, desperate — were dismissed as misbehaviour. How could I have explained, at four or five…
THE ALPHA MALE WHO WASN’T: A Lesson in Rage and Self-Hate
Enter Robert “Beef Supreme” Primerano, the Niagara region’s own contribution to this dismal pageant. To watch him puff himself up as an “alpha male” is to witness insecurity wrapped in faux leather. Raised in a household steeped in conformity and self-loathing, he learned early that to belong meant to hate.
- I DIDN’T PLAN TO BECOME A TEACHER: The Students Who Made Me Stay
- JUSTICE ENDS WHERE POLICING BEGINS: The Shameful History of Policing The Gay and Trans Community in Canada
- RAISED BY PLACES UNSEEN: The Quiet Way Borneo Found Me
- ALONE AGAINST THE SYSTEM: Fighting Police Misconduct in Ontario Means Surviving It
- PART 3 – NO PERMISSION NEEDED: What Was Once Shame Has Become Pride
Sabrina Constance 